


Survivors Who Doubt Their Survival

by DumpsterDiving101



Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Beyond The Walls Of Sleep, Depression, Ficlet, Gen, Hurt Tony Stark, Inspired by Fanfiction, Nightmares, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-30
Updated: 2018-05-30
Packaged: 2019-05-16 05:11:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14805009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DumpsterDiving101/pseuds/DumpsterDiving101
Summary: This is inspired by the fic 'Beyond The Walls Of Sleep' by Chaed and Spacelaska in which Tony returns from being a prisoner on the Chitauri spaceship for four years and is expected to jump back into normal life. Spoiler alert: he doesn't.





	Survivors Who Doubt Their Survival

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Chaed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaed/gifts), [spacelaska](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacelaska/gifts).
  * Inspired by [Beyond The Walls Of Sleep](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12854667) by [Chaed](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaed/pseuds/Chaed), [spacelaska](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spacelaska/pseuds/spacelaska). 



If you looked closely you could see the sickness.   
  
Like many survivors who doubted their survival, he had nightmares. Tony's nightmares were quieter than some might expect, and while there was fear in finding a loved one flailing and screaming, there was also fear in finding them curled in a ball, fists clenched, hardly even breathing, and still asleep. Sleep was supposed to be restful, but then again when had it ever been restful for him? Before Afghanistan it was sleeping so that the alcohol had time to leave his system, after it was sleeping as a way of recovery, and then in the Chitauri ship it was sleeping as a means of passing the time. Now he was back in his tower, back in his bed, and he supposed he was back in the phase of sleeping as a means of recovery. Before too long he'd think up something brilliant like the iron man suit, and he'd be useful again.   
  
If you watched him closely you would pick up on the illness: the way he avoided mirrors so he didn't have to see the gauntness of his own face, the way he stared at food like he wasn't allowed it. He reached out for a fork, staring at the food all the while, waiting for it to disappear. It always disappeared, _always_ , and if he believed anything else then he would wake up and it would become painful again.   
  
When he'd come back from the spaceship he was admitted to SHIELD's medical facility where they told him he would sleep for a while and then wake up feeling better. It was cute, really. Tony almost told them no, that's what he'd been doing for _four years_ and it _didn't work, he knew it firsthand, it wouldn't work._ They smiled with closed lips, the pitiful look of someone stuck on babysitting duty. Yes, they had to fix Tony, poor, silly, high Tony.   
  
He woke up with the familiar sting of a feeding tube down his throat and almost laughed.   
  
When he woke up for real his left arm had been amputated a few inches shorter and his beard had grown out again and been freshly shaven back into his normal goatee. "Good as new," the medical staff promised with closed lip smiles.   
  
They lied. But oh, Tony loved it.   
  
He counted the lies like he used to count hours without sleep or fingerprint bruises.  
  
"Some things have changed, but you'll get caught up," Bruce said. _One._  
  
"Everyone's excited you're back," Rhodey promised. _Two_.  
  
"You'll feel better soon," Steve insisted, and that one hurt, because it came from the walking symbol of honesty and justice and it was a _lie._ Maybe not in full, because Tony knew he would get better-- he certainly couldn't get worse-- but because Steve said it like he actually believed Tony could be Tony Stark again. Which meant that not only was Steve lying to Tony, it meant he was also lying to himself.  
  
He was released to the tower, to _his_ tower where the Avengers had taken up residency, and given a gentle push into his workshop. Pressed lip smiles and casual reminders to eat, expectant glances and half hearted pats on the back. Tony realized after a few days that they were waiting for him to design himself a prostethic arm for the one he'd lost. He didn't.  
  
Tony started developing hobbies to fill his free time with. He bought a fish, named it "Mama Mia Mama Mia" and scowled at it in it's tank, telling it that he would outlive it. He opened his window and sat on the sill, kicking his feet like a little kid and looking around the city, unafraid of the height. "Mama Mia Mama Mia" died. He stopped sitting on the window ledge and started standing on it. He bought a new fish, named "Bo", and made the same promise to it. It survived three weeks before passing, a painful three weeks for Tony. He bought a new fish, made the same promise, and then killed it the next night.   
  
People kept on waiting for him to make himself a prostethic. They waited for him to put on the iron man suit, or one of his linen suits. Instead he wore his boxers, a grey tshirt, and the top blanket from his bed.   
  
He went in for a photoshoot and interview for People magazine after seemingly ever news outlet on the planet begging for him. At the photoshoot they tried to put makeup on him but he refused. He went into the set with his hallow eyes and bulging bones, letting them dress him in a simple suit but refusing to put on the jacket. In the end it was simply draped over his shoulders and he didn't push it off.  
  
For the photoshoot, they had him stand in a light up box, trying to get him to do a power stance but he tuned them out, instead sitting in the corner of the box, his stump of a left arm rested on his knee, eyes closed. They took the picture.   
  
The interview was much of the same, with well-meaning questions that he refused to answer in full.   
  
**Q: Mr. Stark, you've clearly been on a very harrowing journey. What was the hardest part, you would say?**  
_A: The part in space._  
  
**Q: Now, you spent four years alone on this space craft. How did you manage to hold onto hope during that time?**  
_A: I didn't. I'm alive because I'm stubborn._  
  
**Q: One of the most common questions we've been receiving is about how you managed to survive those four years. Do you have any survival tips for our readers?**  
_A: Broaden your understanding of the word 'survive'._  
  
By the end the interviewer was looking a bit frustrated. Tony waved his fingers at her and left, unbuttoning the shirt with one hand as he walked to reveal the band tshirt underneath.   
  
Tony made the cover of People that week, and the interview was printed in full. It was one of the highest selling editions in the history of the company.   
  
That night Tony sat on his window ledge, burger in hand, with a new fish sitting in the bowl next to him.   
  
  
  



End file.
